Is it possible to have absolutely no fingernails? I wonder, because I'm almost there. Chewing my nails is my version of smoking or vodka. I think I've beat the habit until major stress comes along and then I realize I will always be an addict and this will be something I fight my entire life.
Today I again am finding myself counting my many blessings. All I can say is that I must have lived a pretty terrible life the last time b/c I'm paying for it now. Karma is one ugly bitch. I sure hope I enjoyed whatever it was.
I'm pondering the idea of why it is so much harder to do what is right, than to skate by on what is wrong? It seems as though our society and institutions make it far easier to merely exist, not saying everything easy is wrong, but it always seem as though what is right is so darn hard to accomplish. Mediocrity is celebrated. And those of us who desire a higher place value are labeled perfectionists (as if that's a bad thing). I'm okay with being a perfectionist, if it means I am not settling for what is comfortable at that moment. We are thinking things. We can reason and react and anticipate intellectually and with great evidence. These are skills that set us apart from the rest of existence. I might, indeed, be going crazy. I might one day end up institutionalized for being a perfectionist and constantly getting it wrong. But at least I won't have taken my life, the air I breathe, the talents bestowed upon me lightly or for granted. I will struggle to derive and create meaning for my life. And I'll leave this world with pieces of me scattered throughout time and place and people. Hopefully, in that brief moment between life and death I will be able to review in its entirety the value of my life and be at peace.
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